06 May Why do we feel bad when we advocate for ourselves?

Have you ever walked out of a meeting feeling like you had to apologize for simply asking for what you need? You’re not alone. For many employees, especially in structured or hierarchical workplaces, self-advocacy can feel uncomfortable, even wrong — as if asserting your needs or perspectives is somehow a threat to the status quo.

Sometimes, the discomfort doesn’t just come from within — it’s reinforced by external pressure, including management. You might hear things like:

• “You need to be a team player.”
• “Everyone else is on board.”
• “Management has already decided.”
• “This is just part of the job.”
• “It’s not ideal, but we all have to push through.”
• “Of course you can say no… but it would really put the team in a tough spot.”

These phrases might seem harmless on the surface, but they’re often used as subtle pressure tactics. They serve to silence dissent, guilt employees into compliance, and create a culture where self-advocacy or questioning decisions/situations is seen as disloyal rather than constructive.

The result? People begin to suppress their ideas, minimize their needs, or worse — take on workloads, roles, or expectations that are unrealistic or unsustainable, all to avoid being labeled “difficult.”

When employees feel they can’t speak up, it doesn’t just affect individuals — it corrodes team morale. A culture where self-advocacy is discouraged leads to:

• People taking on too much because they can’t say no.
• Teams feeling decisions are top-down and non-negotiable.
• Employees withholding ideas because speaking up feels risky.
• People carrying resentment quietly instead of addressing concerns.
• Hearing the same voices while others hold back and feel unheard.

Over time, this kind of culture drives disengagement and turnover. It becomes harder to attract or retain talent, and those who stay may stop bringing their full selves to the table.

Now, as a mom, this topic hits even harder. I’ll be juggling a full-time job, a busy toddler, life, home, and all the in-between. To say working parents are stretched thin would be an understatement. The mental and emotional load is constant, and the margin for error or extra pressure is small.

That’s why advocating for myself has never been more important. I’m not just showing up for my work — I’m also showing up for my family, and I can’t do either well if I’m running on empty.

We, as organizations and leaders, have a role to play in this. We can make the workplace more manageable and more human when we listen to and support the needs of our employees.

This is where human-centered leadership enters the chat.

Human-centered leadership goes beyond assigning tasks, managing performance, or running teams efficiently. It’s about leading with empathy, curiosity, and intention — recognizing that people are not just resources; they are whole human beings with lives, challenges, and identities that don’t pause when the workday begins.

Human-centered leadership is rooted in the principles of human-centered design — a problem-solving approach that starts with the people you’re designing for and ends with solutions tailored to their real needs.

When applied to leadership, this means:

• Taking time to understand people’s experiences, pain points, and motivations before jumping to solutions or decisions.
• Instead of dictating change from the top, human-centered leaders engage their teams in shaping solutions. They ask questions, listen actively, and co-create paths forward.
• Leadership isn’t static. Just like design, it evolves. Human-centered leaders are open to feedback and willing to adjust based on what’s working and what’s not.
• Psychological safety is foundational. When people feel safe to speak up, share ideas, or challenge norms without fear of punishment, real progress can happen.

Ultimately, human-centered leadership is about designing the workplace with people, not just for them. It’s how we build teams that are resilient, inclusive, and adaptable — not by demanding perfection or blind loyalty, but by fostering trust and dignity.

And when we lead this way, we create space for people to speak up. Human-centered leadership doesn’t just allow self-advocacy — it invites it. It encourages feedback, open dialogue, and honest conversations about capacity, needs, and values. It doesn’t make those conversations awkward or risky — it makes them a natural and essential part of how we work together.

So how do you advocate for yourself — without the guilt?

The first step is understanding this: advocating for yourself is not selfish — it’s responsible. You are the best person to speak to your capacity, your boundaries, your goals, and your needs. And when you do it well, it actually strengthens the workplace, not weakens it.

Here are a few ways to practice self-advocacy:

1. Reframe the narrative

Replace that outer voice saying “I’m being difficult” with “I’m being clear.” You’re not creating problems by speaking up — you’re helping solve them by offering context others might not have.

2. Use constructive language

Frame your perspective in ways that show alignment with shared goals:

“In order for me to deliver on this successfully, here’s what I need.” “I want to support this initiative — here are some things to consider.”

3. Be clear about your limits

Advocating for yourself doesn’t mean saying no to everything. It means being honest about your bandwidth, your boundaries, and what you can realistically deliver.

4. Ask questions

Sometimes advocacy means seeking clarity. Asking “What’s the rationale behind this decision?” or “Can we talk through the impact on our team?” invites dialogue instead of defiance.

5. Document and follow-up

If you raise a concern or request and nothing changes, follow up in writing. It’s not about being adversarial — it’s about creating accountability and ensuring your voice isn’t lost.

When self-advocacy is normalized, workplaces thrive. Teams become stronger, more resilient, and more creative. People stay longer, trust grows deeper, and the work gets better.

As leaders, we should want self-advocacy on our teams. We don’t benefit from sunny briefings that mask real issues, unrealistic pictures of how our teams are doing, or — worse — employees on the verge of quietly quitting because they feel unheard or unseen. When people don’t feel safe to speak up, we lose out on honesty, innovation, and early warning signs that something isn’t working.

So if your team rarely pushes back, never raises concerns, or always seems to “agree,” it might not be a sign of perfect harmony — it could be a warning sign. Look out for things like:

• Team members saying “yes” to everything, even when they’re clearly stretched.
• A lack of questions or discussion during meetings.
• Decisions being met with silence instead of dialogue.
• Burnout disguised as high performance.
• Low engagement or energy, even when work is getting done.

And if you’re an employee and you find yourself:

• Hesitating to ask for help or clarity.
• Agreeing to timelines or expectations you know are unrealistic.
• Feeling guilty for taking breaks, sick days, or time off.
• Feeling like your voice doesn’t matter — or won’t be received well.

Then maybe there’s some work to be done — not just on your own ability to advocate, but within the culture of your team or organization.

Advocating for ourselves — and encouraging it in others — isn’t about resistance. It’s about respect. It’s how we build workplaces that are honest, sustainable, and human. So whether you’re a leader shaping culture or an employee finding your voice, remember: speaking up is a strength. And when we make space for it, everyone wins.